I use he/him pronouns which I suppose is easier to understand for some ppl than others that are outside of mainstream use but pretty much everyone still reads me as a masculine woman and uses ‘she/her’ 

I didn’t want to deal w the frustrations/awkwardness of ppl learning my new pronouns but I also don’t want to be called ‘she’ & ‘lady’ constantly & I was gonna talk about it in person w HR but I didn’t get a chance alone cuz it’s all just been business & paperwork

Training starts on monday & some ppl there have known me my whole life cuz my parents met at that office so that will be especially hard to face/change

I figured an e-mail would open up the discussion & maybe we can meet again to talk later cuz idk how familiar they are w trans employees/ppl there - I just told them what I use & offered ‘they/them’ or anything gender neutral as options for those w a bigger learning curve haha

At least the fact that I took my dad’s first name as my middle name might be some indicator of my gender relationship to him lol HELLO TAKE THE HINT!

[[drafted on wed]] I’ve had such a stressful & frustrating time dealing w the courts & it was so nice to have a final pleasant interaction - they were gonna charge me $25 to get 1 copy of my decree changing name & after I got the $ out I was like “wait don’t I get at least 1 free copy?” & then the nice black lady asked her white effeminate boss man to approve & ended up giving me hella free copies cuz I’m young broke & clueless!

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& today at the social security office I turned in my name change paperwork then asked the brown lady what requirements there were for a gender change  (cuz I’ve heard conflicting things from 2 diff sources). she was super nice about it (even tho she kept emphasizing that i needed to be COMPLETELY done transitioning) & said what i thought was true: i need a physician to write a letter stating my transition is “fully done” as in i’ve gotten “all the surgeries”.

to me that sounds pretty unclear cuz i mean i just got a contact to a woman doctor at the santa cruz planned parenthood who will basically write anything for any trans* person who desires to change their gender. i’m guessing i can get away w not having any genital surgery but idk if i can away w not being on hormones? i guess we’ll see after i call her

that brings me back to the meeting w the white transman psychologist in monterey on wed where i got her contact - i was so anxious goin in there wondering if i should hide my glaringly bright red nail polish? keep my face makeup-free? uncross my legs? deepen my voice? anything to allow him to accept me as transmale aka WRITE ME A DAMN LETTER!

i was honest about my identities while talking w him even though i stuttered thru explaining genderqueer and how i didn’t quite want to be a man but-i was def partially masculine-identified ahhh 

dealing w mental health providers & doctors & judges & police and all these people in positions of power w the ability to determine the gender society recognizes me as is quite daunting

this psych dude kept mentioning that i should attend the transgender/transsexual group every second sat in monterey which doesn’t necessarily sound bad right off the bat but then he warned me that they teach folx in there to “pass” for safety reasons incase they ever drive thru texas or something & that they would be reinforcing gender binaries so people would basically lose any visible “trans-ness” & blend in w all the “normal” ppl - WAY TO SELL THA GROUP TO A GENDERFUQ’D TRANSFAG CLEARLY TRYNA MAKE ALL THOSE NORMIES TRIP & HIT THEIR FACES AS THEY STARE AT MY GAY ASS WALKIN BY

literally tearing up cuz this young Black barista woman in Fruitvale / Oakland just avoided gendered terms & instead called me ‘dear’ multiple times during our interaction - whether it was intentional or not I think it was a lovely way of not assuming my gender & I appreciate that, given the dozens of ‘she’s & ladies’ I hear on the daily it’s refreshing