Classroom/computer lab training lasts 3 months & then I’ll be moving to on-site training, etc. There’s about 20 workers I am training with & multiple staff ppl assigned to train us. There’s too many details to even discuss/write here but I’m sure I’ll learn more as time passes. 

However, I do want to describe THE MOST ANXIETY-PROVOKING MINUTES OF MY LIFE

So we all know I’m this big genderqueer transfag dyke & despite this highly visible fact most people still refer to me as ‘she’ & ‘lady’ when I meet them (unless they’re hella queer/trans* & have some idea about trans etiquette). In order for me to feel comfortable & recognized in my identities I (or a friend/ally) usually have to speak up & tell ppl my pronouns/gender and that interaction can play out multiple ways depending on the person. 

[[Sometimes I feel like cis-hetero people misgender me in an attempt to include me in their cult of womanhood w the assumption that female masculinity is the result of a failed feminine ideal. When this happens I just want to scream

NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO FIT A GENDERED STEREOTYPE 

I get kinda hesitant thinking about this because there isn’t just one definition of what a “lady” looks like & while I’m here telling ppl to take my masculine gender markers as a sign of my trans identity there’s also many gender non-conforming women who take those same or similar markers & retain their female/cis identity. 

Obv I think everyone should present & identify however they feel comfortable I just wish there were less assumptions made about anyone’s gender & more effort put into acknowledging & affirming difference instead of pushing people into categories that rarely exemplify the complexities of bodies & their attached identities]] 

Okayy that was mos def a tangent (as most of my thoughts are) but the original reason I started this post was to tell the story of my “coming out” today. Although I did speak w HR about my pronouns on fri they told me I would hear more after they spoke w a supervisor. 

I didn’t know what to expect from that or how my pronouns would be revealed so I took it into my own hands to make sure shit got done! After spending over 5 hrs goin over paperwork & leaving for lunch we still hadn’t introduced ourselves and I had already gotten some she’s/ladies from a few ppl - afterwards when we changed locations & met the rest of our training class it was finally time for intros. 

I knew this was gonna be my first big impression on the whole group so I figured I had to take advantage because there prob wasn’t gonna be another opportunity. I was sitting towards the front of the class & as it grew closer to my turn my body literally started tearing itself apartttt w anxious nerves & I could feel my pulse fighting it’s way up my esophagus.

When anxiety hits me like that (during public speaking) I kinda just go blank as words spill out of my mouth without paying attention to how related they are to each other or how each sound falls out of my mouth. After stating a few required details I got to the “tell us something about yrself” part & just went right to it —>

“I’M TRANS & EVEN THOUGH I MAY LOOK LIKE A MASC FEMALE/AMBIGUOUS I ACTUALLY USE MALE PRONOUNS HE/HIM/HIS - I’M TOTALLY COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT IF PPL HAVE QUESTIONS BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU ALL KNOW …… oh yeah & my fav sports teams are blah blah blah” WHAT. THE. FUCK.

If you could only see their faces. 

Idk what the hell I was thinking honestly because I only had a quick min to make the decision to share this info / decide how I was gonna explain myself to a room full of people with who knows what kind of ideas about what it means to be ‘transgender’ or even queer for that matter. 

But I fucking did it. I did it & I survived to tell the story. Now idk what the consequences are gonna be but no matter what happens it will always be worth it. Although most people were confused & a couple were put off by it, I did find some support from younger Latina mujeres who were chill about it & told me I was brave for sharing. 

I had a good convo w my mom about the experience & when she asked why I didn’t just “try to blend in with normal people” I told her this is who I am & pretending to fit a restrictive gender binary that has been limiting me all my life only causes more internal pain & doesn’t stretch the imagination of anyone around me. 

It is my lifelong duty to genderfuck the shit out of people and I hope to never become complacent in my potential to educate & spread awareness to all those cisheads walking around like they invented gender - FOOLS YOU DON’T KNO SHIT BOUT NUTHIN

[[drafted on wed]] I’ve had such a stressful & frustrating time dealing w the courts & it was so nice to have a final pleasant interaction - they were gonna charge me $25 to get 1 copy of my decree changing name & after I got the $ out I was like “wait don’t I get at least 1 free copy?” & then the nice black lady asked her white effeminate boss man to approve & ended up giving me hella free copies cuz I’m young broke & clueless!

———

& today at the social security office I turned in my name change paperwork then asked the brown lady what requirements there were for a gender change  (cuz I’ve heard conflicting things from 2 diff sources). she was super nice about it (even tho she kept emphasizing that i needed to be COMPLETELY done transitioning) & said what i thought was true: i need a physician to write a letter stating my transition is “fully done” as in i’ve gotten “all the surgeries”.

to me that sounds pretty unclear cuz i mean i just got a contact to a woman doctor at the santa cruz planned parenthood who will basically write anything for any trans* person who desires to change their gender. i’m guessing i can get away w not having any genital surgery but idk if i can away w not being on hormones? i guess we’ll see after i call her

that brings me back to the meeting w the white transman psychologist in monterey on wed where i got her contact - i was so anxious goin in there wondering if i should hide my glaringly bright red nail polish? keep my face makeup-free? uncross my legs? deepen my voice? anything to allow him to accept me as transmale aka WRITE ME A DAMN LETTER!

i was honest about my identities while talking w him even though i stuttered thru explaining genderqueer and how i didn’t quite want to be a man but-i was def partially masculine-identified ahhh 

dealing w mental health providers & doctors & judges & police and all these people in positions of power w the ability to determine the gender society recognizes me as is quite daunting

this psych dude kept mentioning that i should attend the transgender/transsexual group every second sat in monterey which doesn’t necessarily sound bad right off the bat but then he warned me that they teach folx in there to “pass” for safety reasons incase they ever drive thru texas or something & that they would be reinforcing gender binaries so people would basically lose any visible “trans-ness” & blend in w all the “normal” ppl - WAY TO SELL THA GROUP TO A GENDERFUQ’D TRANSFAG CLEARLY TRYNA MAKE ALL THOSE NORMIES TRIP & HIT THEIR FACES AS THEY STARE AT MY GAY ASS WALKIN BY

I’m about to start my new county job in a week & I’m trying to change my name/gender on my Social Security card / DL before I have to submit my paperwork. 

I already “legally” changed my name so that’s all lined up but now my gender is an issue! I need a physician to sign some papers saying I’m “completely transitioned” & the form is so fucked up I’m getting anxiety just thinking about the future interactions I must endure.

Fuck the govt for only allowing a physician enmeshed in a westernized healthcare system to determine what my gender is in their “professional opinion”

MY GENDER IS NOT YOUR OPINION

Gender identification is complete when I say it is, no one can determine how I identify based on their perception of my body or characteristics.

They’re basically saying you can only change your gender if you’re going to line up with the hetero gender-conforming binary they already laid out for you.

WTF DOES MY DEMEANOR HAVE TO DO W MY GENDER IDENTITY!?!

GENDER DOES NOT EQUAL SEX - I DO NOT IDENTIFY AS MALE OR FEMALE

If these fuckers get in the way of me having a smooth transition (ha) into this job I will destroy them

Any advice/help from ppl who have gone thru this process in Monterey County/ the Bay / CA before would be greatly appreciated cuz I still need a “licensed physician” that I feel safe with to sign my papers even though I am not on hormones & am still read as ‘female’ more often than not

thedailyhavis:

How could I say, “Do not do that, Child For Whom I’m Responsible! Do not make small incisions in the flesh of your arms and thighs. Brb, gotta go bind and get smacked around until I cum.”

As a kinky trans genderqueer with an all too recent history of self-injury/cutting this post brought up a lot for me. I also have a five & a half years younger sister who is queer & we’ve both had issues with depression/mental illness & SI since middle school so that “panic & desire to help” has been a reality for me for years. 

Coming into my kink & realizing that some pain can be harnessed into pleasure in the right circumstances really confused me & my relationship to past injuries. I know all about the euphoria experienced once my own blood becomes visible - that reminder that yes, I am alive, my body can release that anger, stress, anxiety, sadness & intense pressure that has a tendency to build up inside me, slowly pushing out & manifesting itself in the most impulsive & often self-destructive ways. 

I remember the first time my past lover hit me. She was angry because we had just broken up (again, temporarily) and she found out thru a mutual friend that I had hooked up w another girl from my hometown — she started yelling horrible demeaning things & punching me all over my body as I tried to block her then she slammed me hard across the face and stormed off leaving me broken down crying in the dirt beneath trees behind the LGBT Resource Center @ UC Davis, the “safe space” where I worked. My face was burning hot and I could barely feel the tears running down my cheeks because my whole body was numb and overwhelmed with emotion. I called my two best Queer & kinky friends who were inside and I had no words but they came to find me and they helped talk through what I had just experienced. I told them I had deserved to be hit. The emotional pain I had caused her was nothing compared to the physical I was to endure. I was so full of self-hate that I wanted her to hit me just so maybe some form of punishment would help me take grasp of my mind & actions. The reason I mention this is because I felt aroused after she hit me. The confusion, shame & disgust I felt after that experience helped me realize that my body would always have intense natural responses to stimuli and it was my responsibility to enact that pleasurable pain in ways that were sustainable. I had just begun naming & experimenting with my kink that year but I had spent most of my time in a Dominant role with hardly any significant physical pain being inflicted on my body. This is when I began trying to understand the ways pain & pleasure intertwined in my mind/body & how I could access pain in healthy ways that empowered me instead of tearing me down. 

During the “worst” phases of my SI I felt ashamed, alone & unable to even understand my emotions much less share them with other people. I could not trust anyone not to judge me. When I found out about my sister’s own SI I was torn apart - devastated by the reality of our broken family and guilty for possibly having any negative influence over her. I know she heard the arguments I had with my mother over the cuts and scars she saw and although we were not able to communicate with each other, I know we were both alone together.

All I have ever wanted is to be a positive force in my sister’s life and even though I love and care about her soo much I sometimes feel incapable of providing the support she needs because of my own inadequacies. I know she loves me but she also resents me for a lot of things from our childhood, our relationship is complicated and difficult to describe like most families. The best I have been able to do is physically be there for her to talk to or just sit with when there’s no safe space but locked in our rooms, huddled in the farthest corner with the music playing so loudly only to distract from the violence in our home we both know we have no power to stop. 

In my experience telling someone to “stop hurting themselves” does nothing but make them feel guilty when they are unable to meet that demand and are then forced into hiding riddled with shame from the seeming powerlessness over their own body. I have always leaned more towards creating new avenues for pleasure & healing strategies to provide hope & empowerment for the future. I can’t expect anyone to just drop their coping methods without replacing/altering them with a healthier state of being in mind. That is why I feel any approach to healing that only focuses on “fixing” the outer-most layer of issues with meds etc. without addressing the root behind the behaviors is only a temporary bandaid waiting to be ripped off by the next triggering event. 

I spent years trying to live up to this perfect standard of white-cis-hetero success for my family who seemed to have all their hope residing in me, the first-born child; meanwhile I’m destroying my body & soul in secret, dreading the day the illusion is broken. Turns out the best thing I could have done for my sister was show that imperfection. She was so belittled thinking she was a failure in my shadow that she didn’t see how much pain I was in right along with her, she didn’t know that feeling of worthlessness and despair had been running through our blood for decades. I want her to know that our scarred Queer Brown bodies are worth something in this world, even if it’s just to ourselves & each other. That feeling of love and support only community and chosen family has provided me is something I hope to share with everyone I care for, we all deserve to feel valued. 

Showing confidence and love for my healing trans genderqueer body through seeking fulfillment and creating my own reality has helped display that my body doesn’t have to be stereotypically “perfect” for me to attain liberation. Accepting that I have the power to change my thought processes and fight oppressive voices/systems is a step on the path to self-empowerment through my own identities and experiences.

I know this post has been kinda all over the place & my thoughts are so erratic these days I can barely start & finish a sentence without skipping over to another vaguely relevant topic so I hope this conversation continues because all of this is only pieces of a much larger puzzle I’m constantly working to form into a clearer picture. There is lots I can expound on and some things I left out either because this was getting too complex/long or I just don’t quite have the words yet to express realities I’m currently entangled in. 

<3

joysanchez asked: Hola Cameo, estoy haciendo un tumblr como espacio para queers no binarixs de habla hispana, si quieres puedes verlo en nobinario tumblr com. Me encantaría tu opinión como Xicanao porque aún dudo si es buena idea crear un espacio común para latin@s y españolxs no binarixs, soy consciente de lo que tenemos en común pero también de las dinámicas problemáticas que existen. ¿Tú qué me sugerirías para llevar el blog de la mejor forma posible?

Hello again :) As a mixed Queer Xicanao w limited spanish influence I can only speak from my experience and hope others can relate. I think it’s a good idea to create a space where genderqueer/non-binary latin@/españolx spanish-speakers can discuss solutions to the limitations of their language so yay for that!

However, yes the power dynamics & history of colonialization between the cultures MUST be addressed and privilege CANNOT go unrecognized. 

There is already differences in words & dialect based on what region you live in but I’m hoping in this case that will only contribute to the wealth of knowledge people have access to. I would just make sure to use inclusive language on yr blog that doesn’t necessarily imply one region/culture over the other, (like how in CA often white ppl just say ‘Mexican’ in reference to all Latin@s) I wouldn’t want any community to be invisibilized or silenced more than they already are in this venue considering not everyone has access to internet/computers/education, etc & white/light-skinned ppl dominate every conversation they have the power to.

The term ‘hispanic’ & anything similar implying relation to Spain (aka the colonizer) is quite offensive/taboo in the Xican@ communities I’m a part of so we’re always working towards decolonizing our minds, bodies & language in the best ways we know how. 

I hope some of that helped & any followers should give input if they have it or at least follow nobinario.tumblr.com :D

fagageddon asked: You are so inspiring. There isn't so much info on FtX or similar as far as I can see, at the moment following your blog is really helping me while I struggle through my gender confusion so thanks for being you!

Aw you make me so happy! I’m glad anything I do can have a positive influence on someone :)

It was confusing & difficult for me growing up while figuring out my gender identity because my peers were always pushing me & policing my gender one way or another — I was too dykey/masculine to be a cis-hetero-fem girl & too flirty/faggy/femme to be a butch stud so I found myself lost in-between until I heard of the identity ‘genderqueer’ in college. Once the whole discourse & concept of fluidity & breaking binaries opened up to me then I started to hear words like FtX & transfag that could more accurately define my identities & describe how I saw myself.

Now I don’t think everyone necessarily needs to claim an identity to know themselves but for me re-naming my body has helped form communities around similar shared experience & assisted in creating my sense of self. 

Thanks for being you!

Anonymous asked: I saw your picture on genderqueer, and I got terribly excited to see a AFAB genderqueer person who's successfully gotten top surgery. Was it hard? Did you have to seek out a specific surgeron? I'm likewise AFAB and genderqueer, and my breasts cause some pretty serious dysphoria for me, but where I live you're generally only eligable for government funding for the surgery if you're transitioning to male :(

Ah yes I haven’t really gone into detail about my top surgery on this blog yet so it’s about time I start! I actually was super lucky because I had my surgery on August 11th, 2011 done by Dr. Michael Brownstein in San Francisco & I was a couple days shy of not being covered by my insurance since I had already graduated. I was very privileged to have access to what they call “transgender health coverage” through UC Davis’ newly added insurance policy which covers 80% of surgery costs including travel & accomodations. I still had to jump through a lot of hoops to get to that point though:

- 18 months therapy & letter from psychiatrist

- 2nd letter from another psychologist I saw 1+ yrs

- examination & clearance by the director of the health center

- appt w & approval by surgeon for final letter

The most difficult part for me was having to be diagnosed w “true” transsexualism & gender identity disorder. There was no room for Trans people outside the FtM/MtF binary in the company’s wording of their policy & for a while I wasn’t sure if I would be allowed access to coverage since I didn’t want to start hormones & “live as a man”. With the help of a few key staff people @ UCD & some pressure from a couple genderqueer/non-binary students who were also seeking services we convinced the company to include people who wanted surgery but no hormones or some other variation of transition on the “male<->female spectrum” in their transgender benefits.

It was kind of on a case-by-base basis when I went through the process since it was so new but by now I’m hoping more people have taken advantage of these services at UC campuses all over CA & at these other colleges listed here: http://www.transgenderlaw.org/college/index.htm#health

Even though I had really great counselors & community who understood & supported my genderqueer identity, when writing the letters for insurance they still had to use terms that implied I was FtM and had been living as a “full-time male” for 12 months (a term my friends still jokingly reference). Although I felt uncomfortable about watering down my identities to fit these ridic heteropatriarchal standards of gender — I also felt really good about using government $$$ to fund my faggy fluidity :)

I still remember sitting in staff meetings for the UCD LGBT Resource Center while this up & down process of approval was happening for months & I’ve never felt more overwhelming joy as when I heard I had a chance to get surgery. I basically started crying instantly & spent the next few months rushing to meet requirements so I wouldn’t miss my only opportunity. I had a Trans Benefit Dance Party @ Delta of Venus in Davis to raise the rest of the money I needed & somehow I pulled off getting these spicy transnips for free!!

It really NEEDS to be easier for everyone to access these benefits whether you’re in school/insured/rich/privileged/etc or a POC/broke/non-binary/on the streets/etc — I could go on for dayzz about all the services QTPOC & other marginalized communities are lacking but the bottom line is EVERY BEING DESERVES ACCESS TO FREE HEALTHCARE & THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOVE THEIR BODY AS THEY DESIRE IT

I come from humble working class families. Hands worn with dirt like the kind of poor we were. Ears that learned to listen & take orders because fighting back wasn’t always a safe option if you wanted food in the bellies of your children. Our bodies beaten down & used to produce wealth & products for people who knew nothing but harm & waste. I don’t come from a place where people hear yes very often, home is a place where I go to forget memories & create new false ones because how can their memory of me be true when they can’t even see my body & self as I ask them to?

piercethepie:

okay, what the fuck is the difference between “gay” and “queer?” I get pansexual. I get bisexual, obviously. But queer? Nope. I’ve asked all my gay friends and they all say it’s the same thing as gay. So can someone enlighten me?

Same goes for genderqueer. What’s that?

So these definitions can differ depending on the person/location but to me:

Gay refers to one’s sexual orientation, usually used by gay men or sometimes to refer to the whole “gay community” but I wouldn’t use that because it invisibilizes Lesbians, Bisexuals, Transgender people & anyone else who doesn’t identify just as Gay.

Queer is an identity that can be used as an umbrella term encompassing any person who’s sexuality &/or gender is anything other than heterosexual/cisgender; for myself it is also a political term signifying my Queer mindset & perspective on social justice. 

I also identify as Genderqueer & for me that means my gender lies outside the binary of man or womyn; it could also be a third gender or a combination of man & womyn - it really depends on the person & how they want to identify themselves. 

Hope that helps! :D

Being trans* & gender non-conforming means I exist in and navigate this world differently than cis or non-trans people. Almost every mundane everyday routine becomes hyper-gendered. I’m always the object of a gaze, a body marked by unidentified difference. I feel the curiosity, confusion, disgust, attraction — to discover & conquer my ambiguously brown transfag body. 

“…What is that?”

“Are you a boy or a girl?”

“This ID doesn’t look like you”

“Soo.. have you had bottom surgery yet?”

“Do you want to be a man?”

I’ve learned to read faces & body language as a safety mechanism - those split seconds can really make a difference once you realize a hostile situation is about to arise. Some people are caught off guard or afraid of and confused by ambiguity so their first rxn is to exterminate it - it being me & every other trans* or otherwise targeted body.

I know I have privilege in that I don’t get the same cat-calls & harassment most feminine-presenting people do daily, nor do I feel as vulnerable walking down the street given that my masculine priv allows me a smaller difference in power dynamics between myself & would-be instigators aka straight masc men. 

Despite this fact, it’s difficult to face constant stares and questions distracting me from my own life & daily activities. Or maybe I just still need to get used to them in this new body? I never want to be that mixed masc transboy that doesn’t recognize his privilege & oppresses others around him. I feel like some cis people get so wrapped up in their other oppressions that they forget to recognize their gender privileges. I’m sure this can be said for any one with multiple conflicting identities though, it seems easier to focus on our points of pride than on shame or guilt. 

It’s true my body is in the process of rebuilding itself. I am always growing but also slowing to heal a bit as well. Since my self identity & perception has changed & now my body is close to catching up I must re-navigate my world under new terms & create a narrative for myself. I really don’t spend much time worrying about how others perceive me because I think it’s a gift to know the story of my body. I enjoy the confusion I cause in other’s faces even if it ends up being annoying & hurtful sometimes. I am proud of my body & won’t let anyone else make me feel ashamed to be trans* - or anything for that matter!

I’ve found it difficult to form community around my trans* identity in some circles. Now don’t get me wrong there were plenty of white FTM transguys in Davis & beyond that have had access to surgeries & hormones alike & I learned a lot from hearing about their experiences. Not everyone has such easy access to resources related to their trans identity though & being a mixed Chicanao I was always an outsider in that group. I never quite had the same connection w them as I do with my QPOC fam. I love the way we challenge each other & continue to push for a decolonized body & mind. Of course every being is a complexity of identities & I haven’t always felt quite as connected as I would like to be with all of mine.

Ever since 1st year I’ve been surrounded by mostly Queer boys who soon became fabulous Queens & straight/bi girls who became even harder femmes. Queerly gendered activities ensued & hundreds of run-way walks & glitter bombs later I am a genderqueer transboy who is still learning to walk in heels & own my femininity. 

Although I enjoyed the flamboyant antics & pranced around just as any other fem boy I feel I was never quite placed or fully understood. One must comprehend how repressed this shit is for me. Since childhood I have always been pushed beyond my comfort zone to participate in stereotypically feminine activities. I was pretty traumatized from the past never being able to live up to womyn’s standards & feeling imperfect, never able to portray the body people expected of me. I barely got used to recognizing my female masculinity in college much less comprehending the idea of celebrating it. I still feel that oppression, that failure to meet societal norms wears down on you everyday. We need bodies like our own to connect with & share support. I thought I was starting to form solid QPOC fam post-college but as things fall I still manage to feel isolated & alone in this newly cut, stretched & sewn skin. 

Surviving at home in chains & traveling across the state I’m constantly moving from place to place searching for another happy distraction. It’s time I found my own space & stop relying on others to create them for me.